What does being alone mean?

I always hear my mom say she doesn’t want to be by herself.  And it hurts to be by herself.  I get it… she’s still grieving.  We visit my sister and my dad every weekend.  And every Saturday, we put flowers on their graves.  And every Saturday my mom cries when talking to my sister and dad.  I think she cries more about my sister.  Then the other day I heard her ask my Dad not to “visit” her lol because she gets scared.  But  I think that even when my sister and my dad were around… she always had that fear of being alone.

I mean who doesn’t?

I wouldn’t want to end up alone.  But sometimes, I like having that time to myself.  It gives me freedom and at the end, I am able to re-set my mind.  Since having Roman, I rarely have time to be alone.  But I LOVE spending every minute with him.  There’s so much I want to teach him and show him.  I really hope he grows up to be a good boy.  Not the kind who’s a jerk to people.  But someone who is loving and smart.  I honestly don’t even care if he’s athletic or not.  I just want him to be a smart boy.

Anyways, back to my mom…

So she has been “complaining” about being alone.  And I really don’t want my mom to feel that way at all.  So…. Chris and I have decided it’s time to find a place and have my mom live with us.  She has been watching Roman when I go to work.  And I think it would also be good for her sanity to have us live in the same house.  Don’t get me wrong… I still have some inhibitions.  I haven’t lived with my mom for 5 years now.  I also have a husband now and I’m not quite sure how he is going to feel with my mom in the house.  I feel bad that he has to go through this… but at the same time, I think he understands considering the circumstances about what has happened in our family recently.  My mom is 74 years old… she’s not getting any younger.  I am also pretty much who takes care of her needs… transportation mostly.

I think that if my sister were around…. she would take my mom in no questions.  She would sacrifice her own life just to make my mother happy.  I never hard that mentality.  I always thought that mom should be more independent.  She doesn’t even know how to handle her own bills.  To top it all off… she gets scared at night.  I found a Bolo Knife under her pillow.  She says it’s for her protection.  Let’s hope she never has to use that… EVER =D

I miss my sister.  I still dream about her.  I hear songs that remind me of her.  And I come across certain things that I know she would like.  Then that feeling of emptiness comes back.  And it hurts because I know I can’t do anything about it.

On a side note… I lost so much hair 3 months post-partum.  And I am still losing hair.  But yesterday, I noticed some baby hairs are growing back =)  Holler.