Thoughts on Grief
I think about my sister EVERY DAY. Some days are harder. Some days, she just comes across my mind. But most days, I think about whether or not she knew she was dying. I think about the hardships she went through. How frail she looked. How big the tumor was and how much pain that must’ve been. I think back to the time she still had so much hope. I remember her telling me she “ignores” the cancer. How did we get to that point that she got so much worse? Should we have opted for no chemo? During those times, my mind was a mess. Did I make a mistake about my sister’s life? Should we have opted for no chemo???
I remember the time she was crying to me and saying “if you only knew how much it hurt…” Then I think about the times I was a jerk to her or when we fought. There were more times when she was nice to me than vice versa =( And that makes me very very very sad. I think about why this happened to her? And why not someone who deserves the pain more…? Maybe a person who raped someone, or killed someone deserves cancer. But why my sister? She was so nice and passive. All she wanted to do was work and provide for my parents and keep my mom happy. And she just wanted to be an all-around nice person.
I’m not sure if people really understand the feeling. Unless you have lost a sibling… you really won’t understand the kind of grieving I go through. And that’s fine… I’m not judging anyone at all… or I’m not saying my grief is worse than someone else’s or that it’s less than anyone else’s. Just that it’s different. I can’t even imagine how my parents feel. Children are supposed to outlive their parents.
Losing a sibling makes me realize nothing is ever permanent. Like it’s literally a slap in the face that nothing stays the same. This person who I grew up with… is gone. I can’t talk to her anymore. I lost a part of my childhood. All those times we shared a room, we shared jokes, the times we would throw ideas out about names of pets, names of our journals, South Park, and all our INSIDE JOKES. If you have a sibling… you know what I’m talking about.
I didn’t cry at my sister’s viewing or at her funeral. Actually, I didn’t cry for a couple of days after she passed. When I think back to the moments we were battling cancer, up to the day I was told she wouldn’t make it… those were the days that I felt helpless and just kind of lost hope and I cried from the deepest parts of my heart. I had no idea whether or not my sister knew what was going on. I couldn’t even imagine not having her around for anything happening in the future. I couldn’t accept that in the next few years, my sister will just be a memory.
I remember when she would tell me “what if I don’t make it to (whatever the occasion)?” I would just tell her to not think like that, and to be more positive. So then I think about whether or not I could’ve been more supportive, or I should’ve said something else. I’ve never been good at words of comfort…. I’m kind of a bitch to people when it comes to those moments.
Why did we not make funeral plans according to how she wanted to go out? We didn’t even talk about her passing… we didn’t talk about her dying. It was hard to get through to her the last few days… like she was there but she wasn’t anymore. The pain meds made her drowsy most of the time. When she was home on hospice care… she was unresponsive. Did she know I love her? Did she know all I wanted was the best for her? Did I do everything to get her the best treatments? Should I have tried harder to get her to the City of Hope? Should I have tried harder to get her everything she wanted before she passed?
We didn’t talk about her dying. Should we have talked about that? I’m not sure if that would make things any better. And I keep playing these questions over and over and over in my head. I think that every time I drive home from work, that’s when I think about her. I wonder if that’s what it means when people say “she’s with you in spirit…?”
So grieving…. makes me feel sad, then upset, then guilty. The loss hasn’t made me feel a sense of acceptance yet. I know that’s what I have to do. But I just get upset a lot.
And when someone asks me about how I am about what had happened… I really try my best not to cry.
I hope Baby Similar grows up to be as nice as my sister. He’s been a great distraction so far. And I hope that he brings a lot of love and laughter to my parents. I really hope they become happier with his new life.
I honestly don’t think that my mom and dad are happy with each other’s company. They fight all the time. They don’t like to do the same things. And I don’t like being sucked in that sadness and negativity. It really makes me sad that my sister probably went through that when she was sick. And I’m not sure how to make things better.
I just really hope they find happiness with Baby Similar.