Re-Calibrating

My intention was to update more when I was on maternity leave.  However, not everything goes according to plan.

I found myself juggling 3 roles during that time…

First… I was very excited to be a NEW mom.  I had been very anxious to play that role since I found out I was pregnant.  So anyways… even that came about a week later than expected.  I had complications during labor – which included an infection and my son being born with 2 fractures and some other health issues which landed him in the NICU for about a week.  I remember feeling so sad and guilty for eating ice cream towards the last week of my pregnancy.  I thought because of my eating habits, my baby came out larger than normal (9lbs 14ounces).  So looking back, I think I did have a mild case of post-partum depression.  But I really made sure to snap out of it because I also had to be a daughter.

After my sister passed away, I knew I’d have to be there for my parents.  It’s really hard to be there for others when you fee like you have to focus on the “new” things in life.  I wanted to just focus on my pregnancy.  I was very excited to be able to give my parents something/someone to look forward to.  But even the few days after I had Roman, I was noticing my dad’s body just starting to deteriorate.  He was losing more weight and he was experiencing more pain.  I was supposed to be there for him and my mom…. but I also had my baby.  I wanted to be there for my baby more.  And it was sooooo difficult to balance those 2 roles.  They needed me to drive them to appointments.  And I was upset that they didn’t understand that I wanted to enjoy motherhood and my new baby.  And looking back, I feel guilty that I would feel upset for my parents needing me to be there more.  But in reality, they didn’t really have anyone else to turn to.  Sure, we had other family close by… but they also had their own lives to live.  And honestly, I never really thought they liked my dad.  They really did.  I’m grateful that my husband was there to step in a few times when I couldn’t.  But at the same time, I was also unable to balance my other role…. that of being a wife.

Being a wife is still a work in progress.  And it’s sad to say that motherhood has taken over it.  I don’t have much to say about it.  Other than I’d really like to be in a house very soon and play all those 3 roles better.

So this year, 2018… I’m hoping to re-calibrate my whole life.  I want to be a better person overall.