Musings
I have to admit it’s a little nerve-wrecking, but both Baby Daddy and I have been trying our best to stay positive during this whole ordeal.
On Friday, we received a phone call from the uncles-to-be. Which of course is always uplifting because they’re always in good spirits and had mentioned that Baby Similar will be in their prayers.
On Saturday, I had dinner with my girl friends at Amor y Taco in Cerritos, CA. Although I tried to watch my carb-intake, it was really hard to stay away from chips when you have guac and salsa in front of you. I also ordered some elote =)
On Sunday, I went to the 1130 am mass. It’s still very hard for me to go to church because I used to go with my sister. And every time I go, I experience that pain all over again. And I realize that I will never ever go to church with her again. I have heard the “she’s with you in spirit” speech so many times… but I just don’t feel it. Her presence is more real to me in my dreams. I’m not sure what the average time a person spends grieving about someone, but I can say that some days are harder than others. When you are worried or busy about something else, it does help to kind of keep your mind off of that loss.
But experiencing this pain is actually quite a relief to me… because I know it exists, it doesn’t make me feel like I’ve forgotten about her. So maybe this is what it means when people say “she’s with you in spirit.” Then I think about the times we fought and the times I really should have been a lot nicer. And the guilt is very real… And I just keep praying that she knows I love her and that I’m sorry for being such a bitch sometimes.
On Sunday afternoon, Christopher and I invited his brother and nephew to go to the Broad Museum in LA. I had always wanted to go but I knew it would be very hard to get into the Infinity Room (which totally reminds me of the OA Scene when OA finally meets the Angel.) Anyways, modern art is weird… there were very cool paintings by Murakami and some sculptures by Jeff Koons, and some Pop Art stuff by Andy Warhol. However, I did see some artworks that in your mind, you’re just thinking “How the fuck is this art?” But maybe that is the whole reason why I’m not an artist… because I don’t get it. There was a theater with 2 screens called Rapture by an artist named Shirin Neshat… one screen showed a scene of what looked to be Muslim women with Hijabs and the other screen across from them showed a group of men which looked like they were about to fight. It gave a really creepy vibe… and we walked out after a few minutes of being in that room.
Anyways…. work has been dragging. I get so demotivated when I see other people landing interviews and making deals. And here I am just not having anything in play. I want to turn it around… but it’s been very hard. I just really want things to be okay with the baby so we can carry on with being excited about the progress and the upcoming Gender Reveal Party.