Hips and Emotions
I’ve been practicing yoga since the day I turned 29. I think it was mostly because of the fear of aging/midlife crisis. I even went as far into the practice as getting myself certified to teach. But then of course life started happening and the teaching never really took full force. When I was pregnant, I was able to get some practice in but not as much as I really wanted. I think it still helped me push out my big baby =)
So just last week, I started going to classes on Mondays and Wednesdays. I missed this Monday (because of our trip to Disneyland) but I was able to practice yesterday. I’ve always heard that our emotions are stored in our hips. So if you don’t feel as open in your hips…your emotions get stored in your hops until they get released with certain yoga poses. Eg. Runner’s lunges, Pigeon, 3 legged dog w/ scorpion back. So for yesterday’s class, I felt as though the instructor kept focusing on hip openers. And at one point during the practice… I felt as if I was seeing my dad. I know that I tend to always miss my sister more. And the pain of losing someone her age is just so traumatic, that I tend to think about her sufferings more. But yesterday… throughout the class… I kept picturing my dad. I “saw” him again during his last days… when he was losing so much weight that his clothes looked like blankets on his body. I pictured him in his brown shorts and a brown shirt that seemed to be over-sized on his frail body. And I felt guilty for focusing more on Roman when my dad was very ill. I started crying on my mat.
Then I thought about my sister again. I thought about how my sister would wake up when she was ill. Then I thought about the both of them and how cancer just ate away their strength. They both must’ve felt as if one day they will just wake up from the nightmare and the cancer to go away. But it never did and they would wake up knowing their bodies were not getting any better.
And I am so incredibly sad that there are people in the world who have killed other people or have done something terrible… but are still able to walk on this earth.
But it’s not my place to judge.
Last night I finally had a dream about my dad. It was a dream within a dream and in which my dad walked over to me while I was sleeping… and just gave me a kiss on the cheek. It felt like a visit. He was still wearing his glasses. I felt his glasses against my cheek and I also felt the bristles on his jaw from not shaving lol. I asked him if he was happy… but I honestly cannot remember what he said. He still looked skinny. Then supposedly I woke up from that dream and told my mom that I saw my dad in my dream. And I told her I wasn’t sure if he’s happy…
I miss him. And I feel guilty for not having the best relationship with him.