Curl Up

Some days I just want to curl up and stare at the TV screen. I miss those days when I used to be able to do that. I remember college days, when the weather was gloomy and I still had my own room, I was able to just be “lazy” and cozy. All I wanted to do was just be in bed under the covers. It was comforting. Knowing everyone I love is still around. Not a care in the world.

I think I really took those moments for granted.

I never in a million years thought I’d lose my sister early. I regret the times we ever fought. I regret not having more meaningful conversations with her. I regret ever being bitchy to her. Why am I this kind of person? Why were the last moments with my sister so horrible? I should’ve been nicer to her. She was pissed at me because I was asking her to joke around with me. And she said “Tigo wag mo muna akong kulitin, please?”

And why did I want to leave early during my last visit to my dad? All because I wanted to get a fucking facial? Had I known it was his last day… I would’ve held onto his hand tighter and stayed longer. Rather than let him die by himself, alone, in a care home facility with people he didn’t even like.

All these feelings are coming back because of a recent loss in the family…

Yesterday was supposed to be a happy normal day. If not, maybe even more exciting than usual because it was my mom’s bday. We went out to get Korean food and we gave her her iPhone as a present. It was fun… it was refreshing to be out, despite Roman’s refusal to stay put and be strapped in a high chair. We were happy. I was in good spirits.

Then we heard the news that Sue, my father-in-law’s girlfriend passed. She had a hysterectomy back in May for a uterine fibroid. The biopsy came back inconclusive. Then a couple of months later, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Just like that. Chemo didn’t work… and just a couple of days ago, she was in hospice care.

I’ve also been thinking about Tia Charo. She took really good care of us when we were in Chile. I recently learned that she’s also diagnosed with Bone Cancer.

So many people’s lives have been affected lately. And I even fear for my own because of family history.

It’s so tough… I’m not even sure what to say. I just want to curl up and be in bed under the covers. I hope my son doesn’t have to go through that pain. It also makes me wonder… is it worth it to bring another life into this world with such sufferings?